The Cop who tricked Torchwood
by Flabagash
Summary: My torchwood-ified version of "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas."


The Grinch Who Stole Christmas

Every PC in Cardiff Liked Torchwood a lot…  
But the DCI, who worked nearest torchwood, did NOT!  
The woman hated Torchwood! The whole Organisation!  
She hated them most on this one recent occasion...  
It could be how torchwood thought they were always right.  
It could be, perhaps, that they stole all her lime light,  
But I think that the most likely reason of all,  
May have been that her brain was two sizes too small!  
Whatever the reason, Her smarts or her pride,  
She stood there on Christmas Eve, glaring outside!  
Staring out from her car with a cold, bitter frown,  
As team Torchwood strutted across the snow ridden town.  
She knew every Welshman in Wales; the whole world,  
Could not sleep soundly when the SUV was out on the whirl!  
"And they're fighting their _monsters_!?" she snarled with a sneer,  
"'Spooky –doos? Yeah right! What the hell happens here!?"  
Then she growled, on the end of her pen she was chewing,  
"I MUST find some way to find out what they're doing!"  
For she knew, for all that they acted all fancy,  
They really just rush on a mission, acting all prance-y!  
And then! Oh, the shame! Oh, the shame!  
Shame! Shame! Shame!  
That's one thing she hated, they caused people PAIN!  
Pain! Pain! PAIN! PAIN!  
Pain because people have died, but they still think they win!  
And they'd win! They'd win!  
Win! Win! WIN! WIN!  
They would _win_ if they covered it all up, which they did.  
They must have something bad that they have constantly hid....  
And THEN they did something that made her blood run cold,  
Endangered very person in Wales, the young and the old  
They would catch the baddie, and think they were winning  
When it was them who cause the mess in the beginning!  
They'd grin! And they'd grin! And they'd GRIN!  
GRIN! GRIN! GRIN! GRIN!  
And the more the police officer thought of this team's self esteem,  
The more she thought, "I must stop this whole team!"  
"Why, for almost 5 years I've put up with it now!"  
"I MUST stop them from working! But HOW?"  
Then she got an idea! An awful idea!  
THE LADY GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!  
"I know just what to do!" she declared to herself  
As she reached for the phone on her car's inner-shelf  
And he chuckled, and clucked, "I need a favour!" She called down the line  
"remember that monster, which resembled a swine?"  
"All I need is another…" The woman went through the 'what-where-when-how'.  
But, as not to be repeated, she went for a cow.  
Did they question her motives? No! The lady simply said,  
"It'll set it up by morning, I'm off to bed...!"  
So she started her car and drove off where it led,  
While visions of torchwood looking stupid danced in her head!  
THEN come morning she took her bovine beast  
And propped it up to resemble a monster, deceased.  
She had painted purple blood and covered in mud,  
Added silver metallic parts from her car bumper hub...  
Then the woman said, "Oh my god!" in a nice crowded place  
A faux-but convincing shocked look on her face!  
All the people went silent; looked in her direction.  
Soon came her mash-up monster's detection!  
People were shocked, scared and surprised.  
"It looks like an alien!" one young lady cried.  
She left no trail, it could not be traced back to her.  
She just had to sit in the crowd and concur,  
It wasn't too long, no not too long at all,  
Before someone made the inevitable call.  
It was a man, quite tall, of age about thirty.  
"Radio Cardiff? It's me, Michael Bevan reporting."  
Then he spoke with great flare, of the scene most revolting,  
How painting the ice was a monster that was moulting  
Flesh! And blood! Blue fur! And mess!  
Electronics! Cables! Metal! And gadgets!  
Then the DCI, very swiftly and nimbly,  
Got back in her car and left the assembly!  
Then she slunk to the bay. She knew that was their base!  
She waited to see them all surface, and hid just in case!  
As they left the office she snipped in like a flash.  
They were rushing and careless, and out like a dash!  
(They'd worked 72 hours straight and wanted to relax!)  
"And NOW!" grinned the police, "As she found the red switch!"  
"My excellent plan will work without hitch!"  
When she heard a loud sound of the SUV roaring,  
She entered the base and started exploring!!  
As her decoy was left to distract the team  
she wanted to find something she could redeem,  
That was dangerous, hazardous and illegal too!  
That would get torchwood shut down, that's what she'd do!  
Deep down the passage she walked feeling fine,  
Until she uncovered a beast from out of its time!  
With a mighty screech and talons so sharp,  
Myfanwy caused her to scream, and she shouted. "Argh!"  
Little did she know, one team member remained-  
She'd never seen him before... what was his name?  
Had she been caught by a secret fifth member!?  
She'd not seen him before... she'd have remembered!  
She stared at the man and said, "Who are you?"  
"You're never out with the others, what do you do??"  
But, you know, what with her being an imposter and all,  
Ianto didn't answer, but instead made a call!  
"Sir, can you hear me?" the smart-dress man said,  
"There's someone here, in the hub! Yes, sir, code red!"  
"Stop!" he ordered, aiming a gun in her direction.  
Great, she though – another one with a hero-complexion  
Still, not as bad as that captain – Jack was his name.  
The one dressed in the coat that was always the same.  
Clothes from the 40s? Who's he trying to kid?  
She thought he looked foolish, that was no fib.  
He was cocky and brass, so crass and so sure!  
Not so much as the doctor, who she disliked more.  
Harper his name was, and sarcastic was he.  
Undermining her medics... like he's the bee's knees!  
There's quiet Toshiko... annoyingly silent...  
Then Costello who looked like the type to be violent-  
Always tinkering away with cold, cool devices-  
The copper did have many torchwood three vices!  
Myfanwy watched on, feeling fussy and lonely,  
She did not like this lady and wanted Ianto only!  
She swooped once again, down from her lair,  
And did three big show-manly loops in the air.  
With the grace of a swan her eyes latched onto the inspector,  
much like a homing-radar detector  
She swooped in her direction, great talons flared,  
Ianto taught her not to... but she no longer cared!  
If the weevils were violent and they still got fed,  
she'd do this and miss chocolate, but eat fish instead!!  
The DCI, who knew what was coming,  
Was glued to the spot but wished to be running!  
In her final moments, her life flashed before her eyes....  
Bust what happened next came as a surprise!  
In came the captain through the cog-wheel door  
Aimed with some chocolate – dark, of course!  
"We turned straight back before we left" he explained  
"The culprit behind the fake alien was named..."  
"Funnily enough, who should it be?  
"One DCI Swanson who before me I see!"  
As the chocolaty smell enveloped the base,  
The reptile turned and, keeping up her pace  
Took the brown treat from the hand of her captain!  
But she was making a mess; she needed a napkin!  
Nevertheless she retreaded back to her bed,  
Once out of her sight, Kathy turned her head -  
"You saved me..." she muttered "How did you do it?"  
"CCTV – before we burst in we looked through it."  
"But _why_ did you do it? You're not really the sort,  
"You'd let me get eaten – one less report!  
"You don't care about people... you just get the job done,  
"Armed with an attitude and evil, big guns."  
Shocked at her message, at this time of good season,  
The captain decided not to call on her treason  
Instead he called off Ianto and led her away.  
To the roof that he stood on most every day  
"The 21st century ..." began Captain Jack.  
As he went on to tell tales of Alien attacks.  
Just because it was Christmas, he wanted to tell her the truth,  
He felt she deserved it – she was a cunning sleuth!  
"Maybe torchwood," she thought, "isn't quite so evil..."  
"Maybe Torchwood…perhaps…helps a lot of people"  
And what happened then? Well…in Torchwood they say,  
That the Cop's Christmas pudding was ret-conned that day!  
And although she didn't exactly remember that night,  
She still thinks of torchwood with slightly more light...  
The next time they intervene, going after some beast,  
She won't disrespect them..... Or won't bitch at least!


End file.
